How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

It's hard to imagine healthy boundaries in an intimate relationship. Intimacy is a closeness, and setting boundaries can feel like you're pushing the person away. You might be afraid to set boundaries because it might make them feel unloved or unwanted. Refraining from setting boundaries out of fear can result in co-dependency, resentment, and toxic relationships.

So how do we set boundaries in a healthy way? What do healthy boundaries really look like?

No matter how close you two are, there will always be space between you. There is a place where you end and they begin, and where they end and you begin. This is healthy because it allows each person to be their own individual with their own set of thoughts, emotions, and needs.

As you begin an intimate relationship, it might seem like a sign that you're compatible when you start to feel what they're feeling. You might assume that being a good partner means anticipating and fulfilling their needs and putting their needs before your own.

Unfortunately, this makes you at risk to be a co-dependent relationship.

What is Co-Dependency?

In short a co-dependent relationship is when you put the needs of the other person before yours, in a way that hurts you. You can rely too much on another person to fulfill your emotional needs. It also involves some sort of self-betrayal in order to keep a person happy or to 'make them stay'. When a person fails to meet our emotional needs and we respond by ignoring our needs we become co-dependent.

Conversely, setting boundaries is about communicating your needs in a healthy way.

What are Boundaries?

A boundary is a guideline, rule, or expectation for how we want to be treated in a relationship. Boundaries can be set within ourselves first and then communicated with our partner.

For example: When your partner does something you don't like, you can stay quiet and ignore your needs and allow resentment to build up to be later brought up in a fight. Or, you can effectively communicate by saying things like "that was not okay with me." Thus, setting a boundary. Now, they know how you feel and it is up to them to respond in a loving and respectful way.

Why We Don't Set Boundaries

• We are afraid of losing the person

• afraid to make them angry

• avoiding confrontation

• afraid of offending the person

• don't prioritize our needs

• avoiding feelings of guilt

• avoiding uncomfortable conversations

• afraid of expressing our needs and still not having our needs met

• fear of being disappointed

• fear of disappointing someone

• afraid of admitting that this person may not be right for us

"No." might make them angry. But it will make you free. Your freedom is more important than their anger - Nayyirah Waheed.

The worst thing we can do is stay quiet. We can't expect our partners to read our minds or automatically know what it is we need. We teach people how to love us. It's up to them to listen and respond accordingly.

Boundaries are a Form of Self - Care

Setting clear and healthy boundaries is a way to take care of our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health.

Boundaries are a form of self-care because although it might be hard to do sometimes, we thank ourselves later. It's something we should do as often as brushing our teeth so we can practice, so it doesn't sound out of the ordinary to ask for what we need.

Women who were raised to believe that they are caretakers, that they should always put others' needs before their own, or that its selfish to want things, will have a hard time setting boundaries. So many of us spend a lot of time thinking that asking for what we want is 'bitchy' or 'selfish'. Because that's usually the reaction we get. It's important to stay firm in what we believe and what we desire for ourselves.

Self-care is valuing your feelings and emotional needs. When you clearly communicate your boundaries, people know how you expect to be treated, how you want to be loved.

We accept the love we think we deserve

Unfortunately, people will only learn how to love us by the things we allow. If we can first learn to love ourselves, we will know what it is we need and feel confident in asking for it.

When we practice self-care, tolerating mistreatment becomes unthinkable. When we increase our self-esteem and self-worth, we fight for a healthy state of mind, body, & soul. When we've done the work to create a healing environment for ourselves, it becomes easier to detect the things that drain our energy. We must maintain this act of self-care by working to heal or remove these toxins as they arise.

Setting Realistic Boundaries

How do we set healthy boundaries without being bossy? controlling? rude? bitchy? mean?

First, we need to understand how to set a realistic boundary.

An unhealthy boundary would be:

You have to make me feel happy all the time.

A healthy boundary would be:

I am responsible for processing my own emotions.

You are responsible for processing your own emotions.

We both make an equal effort to make the other person happy without harming ourselves.

A realistic boundary:

• is sustainable

• fills needs of both people

• is not a command or demand

• does not come from a place of control

• does not harm or control either person

• is not communicated in anger

• comes from a place of self-respect & love

• is agreed upon by both parties

We need to be careful with the expectations we put on others. Most people don't know how to love us exactly how we want and we can't expect them to because it's not their job. Just like it is not your job to love someone exactly the way they want to be loved at all times.

When we place unrealistic expectations on people we love, we make them feel like they're not good enough and we set ourselves up for disappointment. Our partners are human. They fail, they make mistakes, they hurt our feelings sometimes. A healthy relationship doesn't mean you'll never fight. A healthy relationship is learning how to communicate effectively.

What Does Setting Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

• Speaking up when you feel mistreated

• Saying exactly what you mean - don't agree when you actually disagree

• Not feeling guilty for what you need or at least not letting the guilt get in the way of asking for what you need

• Feeling safe in expressing emotions

• Allowing the other person to react or respond how they choose

Examples of Healthy Boundaries Include:

I can depend on you without losing myself

I can take care of you while also taking care of myself

It’s not my responsibility to make sure others are always happy

It’s okay for us to disagree

I don’t need to sugarcoat my feelings

I can express my feelings without fear of upsetting you or punishment

Ways to Say No:

"I am not comfortable with that"

"This is not okay with me"

"I don't feel comfortable with this."

"This is not acceptable"

"This doesn’t work for me"

"I’m drawing the line at ____"

"I’ve decided to ___"

"I can’t do that but I can ___ instead"

"I don’t want to do that"

"Please don’t do that"

"No"

At the end of the day:

The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefitted from you having none.

Someone who loves you will respect your boundaries and make an effort to improve.

If the relationship is right you won’t have to sacrifice what’s important to you. What’s important to you will be important to them.

If you set a boundary and it makes them uncomfortable or angry, it's not your job to make them happy again by removing the boundary.

If you need to ignore your needs to maintain peace in the relationship then it's not a healthy relationship.

People will show you who they are, it's your job to listen.

And finally,

Unconditional love does not mean tolerating mistreatment.

Affirmations for Setting Healthy Boundaries

I have a right to my feelings

I have a right to express my needs

It's okay to say no.

It's not my job to fix others.

I don't have to anticipate the needs of others

I have a right to alone time

Questions to ask yourself

What boundaries do I need to set with myself internally first?

What are my limits? What will I not tolerate?

What are my rights when it comes to setting boundaries?

How am I showing others I respect myself?

How am I practicing self-care when I set boundaries?

Why is it important to me to set this boundary?

What am I protecting with this boundary?

How do I expect this boundary to be respected?

What does crossing this boundary look like?

How do I plan to respond when my boundaries are crossed?

Do I have permission to be myself in this relationship?

Am I staying in this relationship because I’m scared of being alone?

What are my expectations for this relationship?

What are my partner's expectations for this relationship?

Does fulfilling my partner's expectations disregard my own needs?

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Comment below:

What can you learn from this?

How can you apply what you've learned?

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How to Be Anti-Racist

When I first started this blog I made a goal to post once a week - every Tuesday. I'm late this week because I can't write about anything other than what we're all seeing all over social media. It doesn't feel right for me to talk about anything else.

Since the horrific murders of George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor and countless others, we are starting to have more real, uncomfortable, and necessary conversations about the destructive nature of systemic racism and white supremacy in our world.

Martin said he had a dream. But the nightmare of systemic racism is far from over.

Over these past 2 weeks, I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts about the topic of racism. I'll admit: I thought I was doing enough by believing in inclusivity. But I have quickly learned that it's not enough to just not be racist. And so I want to share with you what I've been learning and talk a bit about why this topic can be so uncomfortable and how to take responsibility as white people.

"If you're tired of learning about racism, imagine how tired you'd be if you had to experience it."

Lately I've been asking myself these questions:

1. How can I be a thought leader and not know how to talk about this toxic mindset?

2. How can I become the leader I want to be?

3. Where is my place in this?

4. Where do I stand?

5. How can I be of service?

6. What's needed from me?

7. How does an enlightened mind think of all of this?

8. What would be a pathway for an unenlightened mind?

9. How do I plan on being part of the solution?

10. How am I actively practising anti-racism?

My Experience with Racism

I grew up in a catholic school. Our classrooms were all white at the time. In the 7th grade, a black girl came to our school. She moved into a house just up the street from me.

I was slow to befriend her because I thought my dad would be mad at me if I was her friend.

This is called learned racism.

But the teacher placed us together in class and told me to help her if she needed it.

In no time we were best friends. We were inseparable the entire year and years to come.

I remember the first time I brought her home. My dad wasn’t home. My mom didn’t mind.

I remember kids at school bullied her for her colour. It really bothered me and when I confronted her about it, it seemed like she didn't care. She brushed it off and said that it was something she was used to. I remember feeling like it hurt me more than it hurt her. I remember confronting her and saying that she shouldn’t let people treat her like that. I couldn’t understand that this wasn’t the first time. And that the treatment I saw was “minor” compared to other racist acts she faced or would face.

I tried to stick up for her, but that just embarrassed her. She wanted others to be her friend and so I backed off. I had learned that it was better to not talk about it. It made her uncomfortable.

Being white feels like a lose lose situation. As a white person I can only learn of the affects of racism through watching it happen to people I care about. I will never be able to truly comprehend the pain and suffering in black communities.

As a young girl, I thought I was respecting my friend by not talking about racism. I wanted to take the backseat and stand behind her to support her and let her have the say and the space to speak. But she didn’t speak. And the racism continued.

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

Fast forward. Years later, I attended a mental health summit for youth leaders. A four day awareness training for mental health and youth leadership. I was a panelist and had to answer questions about mental health and self care.

On the third day of the summit, one of the presentations talked about mental health in black communities. A conversation about racism was started and I raised my hand to give my take on it. I said that it was our job as white people to fix the problems we created. One of the black girls stood up and said that it wasn’t our job to save them.

I completely understand her view.

As we open our eyes to the blindspots we have, we need to also be mindful of the saviour complex.

But it struck me.

The girl told me that it wasn’t my problem, that I could never understand what it was like and that I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on it.

I understand her anger. She is the only one who can save herself. She’s the only one who truly understands what she’s been through.

And what can I do with such a lack of understanding? How can I truly know what racism feels like?

This leaves me feeling powerless and helpless especially with all the posts on social media.

The real question is: do I stand up for my friends? Do I stand infront of them to protect them from the ignorance? Or do I stand behind them, let them lead and support them? Tell them I have their back?

I've learned that the best and only approach is to stand beside my black siblings.

The worst thing we can do is nothing.

But we have not yet proved that we deserve a say at the racism table. As much as white people have been taught racism, black people have been taught not to trust us.

We need to prove ourselves before we expect them to let us speak up for them.

It's Not Enough to Not Be Racist

We must be Anti-Racist

Racism is a learned behaviour passed down through generations. It is ignorant to say that this mentality is in the past. Racism mentality is obviously embedded in our society. And if you don't see it, you are not paying attention.

We must first face the absolute fact of racism's existence and prevalence in our institutions.

It is our responsibility as adults to work to unlearn toxic behavior from previous generations.

What has been taught must be unlearned.

To unlearn this behavior we have to:

• open our eyes to the horrific stories of black people worldwide

• be willing to feel their pain

• not turn away when it makes us uncomfortable

• become aware of our privileges as white people

• expose our own blind spots and chose to see clearer

• have really hard conversations

• let down our defensiveness

• be willing to be wrong

• focus on solution-based thinking

• create healing and progress

Discomfort is necessary for growth

For awhile, I didn't talk about this because I didn't know how. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Even as I'm writing this I worry that people will think this is all I have to say on this topic.

I know now that its better to say the wrong thing and be called out on it than to not speak up at all.

This is how we grow.

These conversations are uncomfortable: yes.

But it is more uncomfortable to be black and living in America.

As we work to demolish the racist mentality, we need to make sure that our journey doesn't stop there.

Unfortuneately, our fight is a lifelong journey. We cannot afford to think for a second that its enough to not make racist jokes or to have a black friend.

As humans, we need to do more work to understand the broken relationship between white people and black people. The mistakes. The pain and suffering that we have caused both directly and indirectly.

Not A Black Person's Fight

This is not just a black person's fight.

White people created this problem both knowingly and unknowingly.

We have to be the solution.

Where to go from here as a white anti-racist

1. Educate Yourself. Use the resources at the bottom of this page to learn more

2. Learn how to talk about racism. Learn how to move past the discomfort.

3. Explore your own blindspots and work to improve them.

4. Learn about white privilage and how to act

White people are not emotionally strong enough to be able to empathize and feel the pain that black people have felt for way too long and so we turn away. We need to be emotionally stronger so that we can look. We need to be strong enough to open our eyes and to see the wounds our people have inflicted. It’s painful to take on so much guilt and responsibility. Its incredibly hard to let your blinders come off and take down your defenses. It takes an emotionally strong person to be able to look themselves in the eyes and say I’ve done something wrong.

But doing something wrong, does not mean you ARE wrong. We can’t take this guilt and pain and internalize it and think that we are bad people.

Because it’s not productive. It’s not true and its not the type of forward thinking that we need in order to be a part of the solution.

These acts of direct or indirect racism whether by neutrality or brutality, are every white persons responsibility. We need to own up to what we’ve done including not educating ourselves further. But we can’t get stuck there.

Our focus should be moving forward with anti-racism. Our mindsets moving forward need to be solution-based thinking.

How can we show black people that we deserve to be a part of the conversation?

How can we prove to them that we can have a say by saying the right things?

Where I stand:

I honestly believe that I can't solve this problem with just one blog post. I plan on creating more posts to educate people.

I am going to continue to learn more about my place in this and how I can better be a part of the solution.

I would like to call forth anyone who is willing to share with me their experience to better educate myself on racism.

I will continue to read books and listen to podcasts that expand my consciousness about racism (I know its not other peoples job to educate me but I still want to hear their story).

I want to study how to help people of colour with their mental health as it relates to racism.

I want to learn how to help people of colour heal these wounds.

I would like to be a part of leading other white people to better understand their own privileges and blindspots.

And most importantly I vow to never think that the fight is over.

I am becoming aware now that I have not done enough and I understand that I may never do enough. There is no anti-racist checklist or 5 steps to anti-racism to add to your morning routine. Ending racism is not a one-time event.

More than anything I want to be a part of a better tomorrow

Resources:

https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/04/us/mcmichaels-hearing-ahmaud-arbery/index.html

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/06/american-nightmare/612457/

https://www.newyorker.com/podcast/the-new-yorker-radio-hour/getting-white-people-to-talk-about-racism

https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly90aGVtYXJpZWZvcmxlb3BvZGNhc3QubGlic3luLmNvbS9yc3M/episode/ODE2MzU0ZGMtYzJmNS00ODk0LWIyOTYtOGVlOTkzM2MyMTNj?hl=en-CA&ved=2ahUKEwikzf2WsonqAhXVknIEHfLeCn8QieUEegQICRAE&ep=6

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-ibram-x-kendi-on-how-to-be-an-antiracist/

https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/how-to-be-an-antiracist/9780525509288-item.html?s_campaign=goo-Search_Books_Antiracist&gclid=CjwKCAjw_qb3BRAVEiwAvwq6Vj9btarYMQAP85H9l_xydN6ofYd0B4gCrFbbZ3f4Rp-gWVuRV59JExoCTCYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/white-fragility-why-its-so/9780807047415-item.html?s_campaign=goo-Search_Books_Antiracist&gclid=CjwKCAjw_qb3BRAVEiwAvwq6VvTf_NCRDz1vYf3lrDNhvJ5FUCy4RQqjpcY0dvCEHI22g2bgAKsZoxoCE3oQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-tony-robbins-podcast/id1098413063?i=1000478130283

If you have resources you'd like to share please leave a comment so other people can see them too!